


Oy Hanukkah

by LAntoniou



Category: Hanukkah - Fandom, Rabbinic and Talmudic Judaism RPF, Torah - Fandom
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:53:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28264977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LAntoniou/pseuds/LAntoniou
Summary: Talmudic scholars argue about Hanukkah gifts. There are socks involved.
Kudos: 1





	Oy Hanukkah

Rabbi Gamliel said: To observe the Feast of Lights, one must obtain matching hose and deliver to one who certainly has many. 

Rabbi Nittai asked: Must the giftee have an abundance of foot coverings in woven fabric, or may felted be admitted into the counting?

Rabbi Nachman replied: Surely felted, but only from a kosher animal.

Rabbi Nittai asked: And what about leather?

Rabbi Gamliel: Those are called shoes, you schmuck. Stop trolling. 

Rabbi Judah commented: Three of the nights of eight may socks be gifted, but no more, else one may be tempted by strange hose which defame the Name by being crafted in ill conditions for low wages. For it is written: "We did the brick-schlepping and pyramid making for generations without pay, now we're all for a strong union shop, even if it costs extra."

Rabbi Brad replied: OK, SJW, lulz

Rabbi Gamliel asked: Who invited that asshole? If he has any Jewish values may the carob tree prove it.

The carob tree was uprooted from its place a distance of 100 cubits. (Others say, 400 cubits, but who's counting? Call it 250 cubits.)

Said the writers in the comments section to him: "One cannot prove anything from a carob tree."

Then, Rabbi Eliezer said: If Brad ben Bob has ever been to shul, may the aqueduct prove it.

The water in the aqueduct began to flow backwards. 

Said the writers in the comments to him: "One cannot prove anything from an aqueduct."

Rabbi Nachman said: If Brad is even a Jew, then may the walls of the house of study prove it. 

The walls of the house of study began to cave in. This was clearly a stupid request to make, seeing how this was going. 

So Rabbi Joshua rebuked them, "If Torah scholars are debating a point of Jewish law, what are your qualifications to intervene?" 

The walls did not fall, in deference to Rabbi Joshua, nor did they straighten up, in deference to Rabbi Eliezer. They still stood there at a slant. 

Walls can be very passive-aggressive.

Rabbi Joshua demanded, seeing as he was fed up with this mishegass: 

If the Brad the Incel has any relevance to this discussion whatsoever, may it be proven from heaven! 

There then issued a heavenly voice which proclaimed: What do you want of Brad the Incel? He can say what he wants, whatever, fine by me.

Rabbi Rachel stood on her feet and interjected: Shema! The Torah is not in heaven. We don't have to listen to any heavenly voices or carob trees or plumbing, or even WALLS, Nachman, oy, you are such a Chelmite! We got the Word at Sinai, and then the rest was left in our hands. Brad the Incel is, at best, the Foolish Child and has no ethical or moral standing here. So well made, ethically sourced socks it is. Also, double check where your gelt comes from. And remember, place from right to left, light from left to right and never leave an open flame alone. Chag Sameach, gey gezunt.

Rabbi Nathan subsequently met up with Elijah the Prophet at the next kaffeeklatch and asked him: "So, nu? What did The Eternal One, the Creator, the Divine Spark of Humanity, do at that moment? Were they mad or nah?" 

And Elijah replied, after taking a raspberry donut from the buffet table, : "Ah, nah, bruh. They were all like, "We can't believe these f*ckin' kids. They out played us. How can We argue against that? We mean, that was the deal, we give Torah, they figure out what it means. We should know better than to try and get back in the conversation." Then the Author of The Celestial Story, the Admiral of the Vast, Uncharted Seas, the Womb of Life and Breath of Creation asked me to get a couple dozen sufganyot from that bakery on Main Street, you know the one. Wanna come?"

Then, Rabbi Nittai showed up to drive them, and asked, "What about the mitzvah of wearing matching festive stockings... IN SPACE?"

Rabbi Nathan and the Prophet Elijah both looked at him and said, "Shut up and drive, you nudnick." 

And then spent the rest of the ride arguing about it.


End file.
